When The Lights Go Out

My baby has cancer.

I can type it, but I can’t say it yet. Facebook followers say that I’m being strong. I don’t feel that strong – at least not when the lights go out.

It doesn’t take long to get in a hospital routine. I get LJ settled down and then I put on my pajamas. Marc and I fluff our plastic covered pillows, grab our throw blankets and say good night to each other. Then the lights go out.

I see the flashing lights on her monitors in the dark and wonder, “is this really happening?”

The resource nurse gave us a binder full of information about cancer, chemotherapy, broviacs, etc. I searched for a manual of what to do when you feel like the tiny little cancer patient could be, in fact, stronger than her healthy mama when the lights go out.

Her body is tolerating the chemo beautifully. She smiles ALL of the time. She doesn’t feel sorry for herself. She doesn’t wonder if this is real. She takes one day at a time and climbs this mountain one step at a time.

I admire her.

She sleeps when the lights go out.

sleeps

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2 thoughts on “When The Lights Go Out

  1. Hello. I am Katie Gibbins’ niece, and as a momma, I can tell you that I do know most of what you’re going through. (Aunt Katie said that you once went to church with her at Somers Avenue Church of Christ.)

    Anyway- she sent me a text a little bit ago and asked if I could talk to you. I say that I know most of what you’re going through, because my baby is now 17, and yours is just a baby. I’ve met several children, younger and older, and I truly believe that they are so much stronger than we can imagine. Thank God for that. My heart goes out to you, your family and that beautiful baby girl. Please know that my husband and I are here, if you want or need to talk. We can understand how very loving parents feel when something happens to our baby, and we know the thoughts and the sleeplessness and the worry. We just want you to know we are here for you, and we will be praying for this perfect baby, as well as you and the rest of your family.

    Like

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