Conversation With Myself

In my effort to write for me… I’m writing my truth.

I’m paranoid again. I’m trying not to be paranoid. I’m trying to think positive. I’m trying to believe that I have a “normal” daughter.

She vomited Saturday night. She didn’t have a fever. She just vomited 4 times. She seemed to be weak. Now she has diarrhea and she felt warm this morning when I woke her up. Nonnie, our babysitter said she has just laid around all day.

It’s probably a bug. I’m certain it’s a bug. She just has a weak immune system and is getting everything that is passed around. Right?

Yeah, she’s fine.

But…

No, she’s okay. It’s just a bug and she will be fine in 24-48 hours.

I should probably not admit that I’m paranoid. My mom will probably call and reassure me that she’s just got a bug. My sister will give me the look of “it’s really okay.” My husband will say, “what do you want to do?” and I won’t have an answer. He will then get frustrated because he will want to fix it and I won’t tell him how. It’s easier for everyone if I keep this to myself and pretend as if I’m not paranoid.

But that won’t help. Other cancer mothers out there who are paranoid will believe they are the only ones. I’m convinced this is our reality. Hi, my name is Melody Paranoid Jean Hubbell.

She has her regularly scheduled blood test on Monday. So, there is no need to panic now.

She’s okay. It’s just a bug. No reason to be alarmed.

Yeah.

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P.S. I had planned to blog about all the cool things I did last night. I painted my fingernails. I made brownies. I watched reality TV. I cleaned up the kitchen. I showered AND shaved my legs. These are all things that you don’t have time to do all in one evening when you have a baby and especially a baby with cancer. I did them last night though.

Now this.

God’s got this.

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One thought on “Conversation With Myself

  1. Ainsley quit breathing when she was a few hours old. I came out of the bathroom and she was purple, so i can relate some what to what you’re going through. I wish i could say something reassuring but no matter what i LOVE you and am here cuz

    Like

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