I have some bad moments these days. I have moments where I have to get down on my knees and pray for forgiveness. I get jealous sometimes. I get jealous of mothers who get to take their newborns home after 24 hours in the hospital. I get jealous of the mothers who don’t have screaming babies. I get jealous of mothers who don’t question why their babies have cried for 24 hours. I get jealous of mothers who don’t have medical bills after medical bills. I get jealous of mothers who spent the first year of their babies’ lives cuddling and showing them off in public without the fear of vomit and nonstop crying. I get jealous. I mean REALLY jealous. I don’t mean the type of jealous where you wish it was different and then shrug and move on with life. I mean the jealous-jealous! I used to have bad days where I was so mad all day and before I could look myself in the mirror again or lay my head down to rest, I had to pray for forgiveness and strength. It was a make-your-stomach-sick-type-of-jealous.
Now I have bad moments. I won’t lie, I sometimes still get jealous and wonder if I had one more baby, could I keep that baby in until 37 weeks. I wonder if the third baby wouldn’t have colic, severe reflux and lactose intolerant. I wonder if my 3rd baby wouldn’t have the ‘c’ word. Sometimes I wonder.
Then, I realize the 2 perfect toddlers I have now are enough. They might have been sick babies, but they are healthy toddlers (for the most part). I realize that there is no reason to be jealous, because I have been blessed with 2 kiddos when I have friends that are still struggling to get pregnant. I realize that my child lived and walked out of the 9th floor at St. Louis Children’s Hospital, where some mothers walked out of the doors alone without their living child.
God reminded me of my blessings today.
On August 15, 2015 we hosted a BBQ and Lucy’s 1st Birthday party. Yes, her birthday is on June 12. This was the first chance we had when she wasn’t sick and we weren’t in the hospital. Today, August 15, 2016 she started preschool. She had her hair in ponytails. She wore socks and shoes. She walked in holding her brother’s hand. She wore her glasses. She does not have medicine. She has no food allergies. There are no guidelines for her care. She’s a healthy little girl.
I’m not jealous today. I’m thankful. I’m really really thankful.
God’s got this.